“Now, I’m not gonna tell ya again”, the slight hooded figure warned his even smaller companion. “Ya keep yer mouth shut an yer hands to yourself.” Pulling back his hood the rogue looked his companion in the eye as he warned- “Mac the Mace is a lot more experienced than you and me put together, so don’t try nothing. And Chalker’s his bud so if yer fingers get lifty count on getting em crushed.”
“Ok, Joppa, ok. Jeese, ya’d think I was some kinda tyro from the way yer carryin on.” The gnome squeaked. “Taffy’s not a stupe. Ain’t gonna raise a ruckus next ta a freakin training ground, fer light’s sake.” Pausing as a pair of armored Theramore Marines walked by on patrol, the gnome continued “But why meet in a town wit so much heat? And why’s a rogue hangin out wit a paladin”
“Way I hear it, Chalker pulled Mac’s butt outta some Dark Iron Dwarf slave pen in the badlands.” Joppa explained. “Then instead of giving him a lecture on reforming his ways, Chalker healed him, got his gear back, told some jokes and walked him back ta Loch Modan.” Noting Taffy’s raised eyebrows, Joppa continued, “Yeah. It’s true. A Pally with a sense of humor. I don’t know how they let him through the training. I thought they got a warrior, took out the rage, got a priest, took out the forgiveness, mashed em together and aimed them at dragons. But Chalker is just like a regular guy with a huge damned sword.”
“As to why here- luck of the draw.” Joppa continued. “Mac’s gotta job looking fer some swag got lost when Beezel’s zepplin ate dirt. Goin out to the marsh tomorrow. I gotta give him a parcel from Sandor.” An ominous if involuntary silence greeted this revelation. Finally, Joppa continued, “Yeah, and the sooner its delivered the better I’ll like it, so keep it frosty.”
Taffy nodded and the pair entered the Theramore Inn.
The smell of fresh spice bread, the clink of mugs and the buzz of conversation put the rogues at ease as they made their way to the table were the Paladin and Rogue sat drinking. After introductions were made, the newcomers seated and drinks ordered, Mac resumed the previous conversation. “I still say that night elf women, easy on the eyes as they may be, are too high maintenance. Arkonarin is a case in point.”
“Aw, she was ok….” Chalker objected.
“She was more than ok. She was hot. But she was also a pain in the….” Noting the blank looks on his two friends, Mac explained to the rogues
“Chalker’s an me end up in Felwood a couple of weeks ago. He’s doing the work, of course, me, I’m just along for the ride. So he starts off with the old grocery list quest. You know- show us you’re worthy by killing 4 of these, 2 of those, half a dozen of the other. So he rides up to Jaedenar, kills the specified demon worshipers, rides back to the sanctuary. Fine, but now he gets told ‘Ok, great. Now, you remember that fountain that you fought your way to? Good. Fight your way back to it and get some water.’ So he rides back up kills all the reinforcements who have replaced the deaders he made last time, gets the water and rides back."
Mac paused to take a drink from the new tankards that had just arrived and continued. “So now he takes a little flight all the way to Ratchet to get the fountain water blessed and flies back and, we all expect that the next quest is going to be go back to Jaedenar, fight your way back to the pool and purify it with the blessed water, right? Wrong. Now he’s gotta kill the reinforcements that have replaced the last group he killed, go past the fountain to the cave that all the reinforcements keep coming out of and in the cave put out some lamps because, somehow if the inside of the cave is dark, felwood is saved.”
“So up our boy goes, killing guardians and adepts and cultists till he gets inside the cave where there are warlocks and demons and other monsters. (I am in stealth mode the entire time.) Puts out the lamps and along the way finds a magical key which frees an elf maiden. Sound like a bedtime story, right? Except this is no princess, this is a woman warrior named Arkonarin and she doesn’t just want to get out and back to freedom, she wants her gear back. So, Chalker, being a paladin, protects her as they make their way to where they’re keeping her stuff, lets her suit up and then the two of them fight their way out of the cave.”
“Could be the beginning of a romance, right? At least a friendship, right? Naw. As they're leaving they run into the ghost of her dead Paladin boyfriend. She cries, runs off and when Chalker goes to the sanctuary to check on her, they ask him to go back again, back into the cave, only this time he’s supposed to kill a succubus and 4 warlocks who are working spells with the boyfriend’s remains. Oh, and while he’s there would he please kill the shadowlord who runs the place, who, by the way, is being guarded by two more succubi who should also be killed. The only surprise was they didn’t wait until he’d brought back the bones to send him back again.
“So, he sharpens up Destiny”, Mac says as he gestures at the five feet of enchanted greatword "and goes at it. And after all this does he get the girl? He does not. He doesn’t even get to see her again. She skipped out to Darnassus to grieve with her dead boyfriend’s sword.”
“Well,” said Chalker to the sympathetic looks from the table. “She obviously did love a human paladin, so you can’t say….
“Oh, c’mon, buddy!” Mac interrupted, “Where’s the payoff? Its like that elf priestess you were telling me about in Winterspring…”
“Ranshalla” Chalker said.
“Right. Ranshalla. Standing by the side of the road in Winterspring. Our boy” Mac gestures at Chalker, “rides up and asks if he can help. She smiles” then in a bad imitation of a woman’s voice the rogue says, “’Yes, yes you can, handsome knight. Please come with me and visit these nearby caves as I explore the mysteries of Elune.’ Nice, huh? Sounds like it might be…fun. She makes no mention that the entire area is infested with wildkin.”
“Twenty two owlbears later, they light an altar, she gets a vision on what wildkin are and he gets (again in the woman’s voice) ‘You can go now. I’m going to contemplate these mysteries. Bye.’”
At Chalker’s shrug Taffy squeaked “But you’re a gallant knight. Don’t you ever get the princess?”
Before Chalker could respond, Mac started laughing like a loon. Despite the look on Chalker’s face, or perhaps because of it, Mac burst out “Well there was Princess Poobah”, before dissolving in a fit of laughter.
The two newcomers to the table looked perplexedly at Mac until the rogue composed himself enough to say “It was a while ago. Chalker and me are cleaning out some Bloodsail Buccaneers near Booty Bay
“So, our boy swims through infested waters to a jaguero filled island. Fights panthers and great apes. Makes his way to the captive princess who is……...a COW.” As he attempts to recover from the new laughing fit, Mac explains, “Literally, a cow. Hoves, horn, she’s a female Tauren.” Chalker’s embarrassed shrug gives everyone at the table permission to chuckle as Mac tries to keep from rolling on the floor. Not only is the story one of his favorites but he timed the revelation about the Princess to get a spit-take out of Joppa, so it proves impossible for him to compose himself.
Chalker, seeing that the story will never be done unless he finishes it himself, good naturedly admits, “I had to beat a bunch of Apes to get to the king, who turned out to be a twenty foot tall gorilla.” Mac is doubled over with hilarity.
“And the reason its one of Mac’s favorite stories is because he can also use it when lecturing me about knowing the rewards before undertaking a quest. For rescuing her, she gave me the only thing she had….” Here the paladin paused to let the disturbing images filter through his audiences mind before finally revealing “…..her nose ring.” At which point everybody laughed, Mac laughing hard enough to slip off his stool, which caused more laughter.
The table gradually recovered as the waitress brought a fresh round and a bowl of salty deep fried mudrock tail. The table got very quiet as Joppa pulled out the bundle and looking at Mac the Mace said “For you, from Sandor”
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